or Why I Would Make a Better GM Than Matt Millen
Tom Brady.
Reggie Wayne.
Brian Westbrook.
Ed Reed.
Marcus Trufant.
Osi Umenyiora.
Lance Briggs.
Bob Sanders.
Nathan Vasher.
Chris Cooley.
Shawne Merriman.
Lofa Tatupu.
Justin Tuck.
Nick Mangold.
Marcus McNeill.
Jason Avant.
Joe Thomas.
LaMarr Woodley.
A Pro-Bowl team? Nope. Somebody’s idea of a dream team? Nah.
No, folks, that’s a list of names on the epitaph of the Detroit Lions’ Draft Chances headstone.
So, let’s meet the team, shall we?
DEFENSE
Defensive Line
Osi Umenyiora, LaMarr Woodley, Shaun Rogers, Justin Tuck. With a line like that, nobody is running the ball on you. And Shaun Rogers, being held accountable by his linemates and not feeling like he’s the only one stopping anyone, doesn’t stop caring and gain 50 pounds. Just saying.
Linebackers
Lance Briggs, Shawne Merriman, Lofa Tatupu. Good god. If anyone does somehow get by the front line defenders, they’re going to be pounded into the dirt by three of the strongest, fastest, and best linebackers in the league.
Secondary
Ed Reed, Bob Sanders, Marcus Trufant, Nathan Vasher. And nobody will throw the ball against you either. The cover corners will shut down any 1-2 receiver punch in football. If by chance a tight end or slot receiver catches it in the middle of the field, he’ll be teed up and crucified by the biggest hitting safeties around.
This team would give up what, 6.7 points a game? I’m pretty sure with those guys out there, they give up less than a touchdown a game. Anything in double digits is failure to these guys, because a group of determined defensive players like this would gel as a unit. There’s plenty of room for egos on this defensive squad, but this unit would develop one big ‘eff-you’ ego as a united front. Nobody runs, nobody throws, nobody catches, nobody scores. Yeah, this could have been the defense for the 2008 DLCGMPSMs.
OFFENSE
Offensive Line
Marcus McNeill, Nick Mangold, Joe Thomas. Three guys that can really step up and block, creating some holes for the running back, and a wall for the quarterback…
Quarterback
Tom Brady. Enough said. So what, I’ll say it again. Tom Effing Brady. The guy’s a freakin’ machine, he’s got ice in his veins, yadda yadda yadda. Everyone gushes about this guy. He’s one hell of a quarterback, he could have been a Lion, and there’s no way his DLCGMPSM backfield lets some d-lineman take out his knee. They would have blocked. Speaking of backfields…
Backfield
Brian Westbrook, Kevin Jones. Not a bad RB crew. Jones is good for a few carries here and there. He was never going to be a feature back. But as a backup, who knows. Westbrook, on the other hand, can do it all. Run, catch screens out in the flats, block, be a fourth receiver, whatever. Just one hell of a playmaker, and a great, versatile back for a pass first offense. Because with Brady at the helm and…
Receivers
Reggie Wayne, Roy Williams, Jason Avant, Chris Cooley. This would make a top-five 1-2 receiver punch. Wayne and Williams are both fast, have nice hands, and make explosive deep threats, especially with a quarterback like Brady throwing to them. He made Jabar Gaffney look good. Avant is a solid number 3, a good slot option, coming over the middle. Cooley is a triple-threat tight end. He can pass block, he can catch, and he can be a fullback run blocker.
An offense like that has to be good for 25-35 a game, right? They might struggle against a solid defensive team, and only put up 18 or 20, but the 2008 DLCGMPSMs would out-and-out slay weak defenses, like the real 2008 Lions. 50, maybe 60 points?
So there you have it. If this team isn’t a Super Bowl team, year after year after… Ouch. Well, maybe not exactly like that, but wouldn’t a competent GM have drafted at least 2 or 3 of those players instead of the ones the Lions took, like Dan Orlofski or Teddy Lehman? How about Mike Williams and Charles Rogers? Seriously, nobody could see those trainwrecks coming before they plowed through the Lions’ payroll and clubhouse? Talk about blowing your chances. Here’s some of the ways Matt Millen destroyed the Lions.
(Note: Matt Millen was not the Lions’ GM in 2000, when Tom Brady was drafted. But come on. You don’t have a quarterback worth anything, and you can’t use a sixth round pick on the
2001 Draft
Millen takes Jeff Backus, penalty-prone offensive lineman, over Reggie Wayne,
Scout: “Wayne and Johnson are both very fast and have great hands. Crumpler’s a solid TE, big but with soft hands.”
Millen: “Nah, let’s take the big, slow, white guy who spooks like a bunny at the line of scrimmage.”
2002 Draft
Millen takes Joey Harrington, aka ‘Joey Ballgame,’ over Dwight Freeney, Ed Reed, and Jeremy Shockey; AND takes Kalimba Edwards over Brian Westbrook and Clinton Portis.
Scout: “Freeney is a beast, Ed Reed prowls the middle like a jungle cat, and Shockey is the best tight end in the draft. Harrington doesn’t look that good, he struggles with confidence, and my god, what’s with that face he makes? He looks like someone kicked his dog if he doesn’t do well.”
Millen: “That face just means he cares more than everybody else. Sign him up!”
Scout: “What about our second rounder?”
Millen: “What about it? Just take that Kalimba guy, wasn’t he in ‘The Lion King?’ He’d be perfect, because we’re the Lions!”
2003 Draft
With the number two overall pick, Millen selects Charles Rogers, who has caught 36 balls for 440 yards in his career, over Marcus Trufant, Troy Polamalu, Andre Johnson, Willis McGahee, and Larry Johnson. Yikes. Polamalu has 163 yards and he plays on the other side of the ball! Needless to say, this pick did not work out well.
Bonus points: they also pass on Osi Umenyiora and Lance Briggs for Boss Bailey and Cory Redding.
Scout: “Rogers has had character issues everywhere he’s played. And word on the streets is he may have a drug problem. Andre Johnson is a much better pick if we want a receiver. Otherwise Trufant is a phenomenal corner, and Polamalu is a ridiculously good safety.”
Millen: “No, no, and no.
2004 Draft
Millen got this one right, picking up Roy Williams and Kevin Jones in the first round. But after that, it goes downhill. He takes Teddy Lehman over Bob Sanders, and Keith Smith over Chris Cooley. Not good.
Maybe only self-important thoughts were going through his head all day after getting a draft choice right. Except he wouldn’t know that yet. But it’s more appealing than to think it was just crickets.
2005 Draft
Here’s where it goes bad again. I mean, really bad. Millen inexplicably uses a top-ten pick on a guy who’s been out of football for a year. No, not Maurice Clarett, but that wouldn’t have surprised me either. Mike Williams over DeMarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Marlin Jackson, or Logan Mankins? Really? And Shaun Cody over Lofa Tatupu? Not possible, right? Oh, contraire. Millen did it.
Scout: “I think we need some good defensive players. Ware and Merriman are great linebackers, what do you think? Besides, Williams hasn’t played in a year, and he may be out of shape. He didn’t look too hot in the combine.”
Millen: “We really need another receiver now that Charles Rogers hasn’t panned out.”
Scout: “Let’s get one in one of the later rounds.”
Millen: “No. Williams is the one. He’s got something to prove, so I’m sure he’ll bust his butt.”
Scout: “Ok, but let’s at least grab this Tatupu guy. He’s dropped this low, but he’s got solid fundamentals, and he’s fast.”
Millen: “Ta-what? Poo-poo? No way in hell am I drafting someone with that ridiculous of a name. And he’s not playing on this team with that hair.”
2006 Draft
This draft was a toss-up. At this point, if you’re following along, the DLCGMPSMs don’t need any more linebackers. So they don’t draft Ernie Sims, one of two decent top-ten picks the Lions have made in this decade. So they probably trade down, draft a guy like Nick Mangold, then snag Marcus McNeill instead of Daniel Bullocks. But since the real Matt Millen already messed up, these options aren’t available to him. So he gets a pass on this draft (barely).
2007 Draft
Again, at this point the DLCGMPSMs don’t need a wideout, so they trade down with the number two pick in this draft and end up with Joe Thomas. Millen did make a mistake anyway, though, by picking Drew Stanton over LaMarr Woodley.
Scout: “I really don’t think Stanton is that good. He’s fourth round talent, tops. Besides, Woodley kills people.”
Millen: “Murderer, eh? Then no. Besides, this Stanton kid has to be better than Joey Ballgame.”
Scout: “I thought our quarterback was Jon Kitna.”
Millen: “Whatever. Johnny Ballgame, then.”
2008 Draft
Gosder Cherilus was rated as low second, high third round talent. So why did Millen take him with the 17th pick? Because he obviously didn’t like Felix Jones, Rashard Mendenhall, Joe Flacco, Eddie Royal, DeSean Jackson, or Matt Forte. Once again, an incredibly pathetic draft choice by the Lions. This pick HAD to be sabotage, right?
Millen: “I can’t believe I’m still running this team! Well, I’m sure this will be my last draft as Lions GM, so I better make it count. Let’s get this guy nobody’s even heard of at least a full round too early!”
Scout: “But there’s an awful lot of real talent still on the board…”
Millen: “I don’t care! If I’m going down, I’m bringing this team down with me!”
Scout: “You’ve already brought the team down. You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said. You’ve made terrible draft decisions for nearly a decade, repeatedly flying in the face of sound, logical advice.”
Millen: “Yeah, well…”
